Rock Bottom

Hello Hello Hello! Thank you so much for continuing to read Inspiration Attack. I want to tell you about a time I hit rock bottom.

The great thing about hitting rock bottom is there is only one way to go from there. Up! My bottom wasn't with drinking or drugs. It was food.

My kids were at their dad's house. Which meant I was home alone, worried about them and alone. So desperately alone. Did I mention ALONE?? You see my family lived over 1,000 miles away. My friends lived too far away to get together often. I didn't have time to get to know my neighbors, and then when I did have time to hang out with them, I always felt inferior. I always felt like everyone knew something I didn't, and they weren't going to share with me.

I found a condo with two bedrooms and an office, that could convert into a bedroom if the kids decided they didn't want to share a room. I loved that condo! For the three years that I lived there, it was only at the end when someone moved in the condo above me. No sound from above and no sound from below. I rarely heard my neighbors.

Anyway back to rock bottom. When I was alone, I would sit on the balcony, smoke my cigarette, maybe have a beer, and dream of a day that I would find... my people. On this particular day, the rock bottom day, I ate an entire family size pepperoni pizza, a family size bag of doritos, and a family size pack of nutty bars. I watched movies that made me cry, and slept in my kids bed. Alone.

The next day, as you can imagine, I was incredibly sick. I spent that next day beating myself up for being so weak. For making myself sick with food. I was completely disgusted with myself. At the time I lived very close to Red Rocks. I found out people would go there to work out when there weren't events happening.

From the bottom parking lot, up the steep incline to the theater area, it used to be so peaceful to go in the morning and walk the long bench seats. Back and forth, back and forth... 3 miles from the bottom to the top. I did this 2-3 times a week. When the kids were with me, they would bring toys and play on the sides of the seating area. I could have my eyes on them at all times.

One sunny morning, I heard Tom Petty was going to be in concert that night. I am a HUGE fan! Never could afford to go see him. RIP Tom, you changed and saved my life countless times! The song I linked here has been my therapy song for as long as I can remember. This was the song that kept me going on days that I just couldn't do it. There were so many days I wanted to die. My ego would tear me apart and I would spend days in bed. What I didn't know, was this was a prelude to my latter developed Fibro.

Any Way... Yes I go off on tangents as well. I hope you enjoy them ha ha ha.

Back to Tom Petty and Red Rocks. I did not get to meet Tom Petty, though the whole time I was walking I was daydreaming about it. Looking down at the stage, the crew members were setting everything up. the rugs on the stage, the instruments, the speakers.

To test the speakers, they played Tom's amazing music. I took off my headphones, and sat down on one of the benches. I closed my eyes and envisioned that I was watching Tom at that moment. Then they tested the speakers with "Won't back down" I knew it was a nudge to get back to walking. It was an amazing day, I'd say a top 10 for sure. The only thing that could have made that day better was actually getting to see Mr. Petty himself.

Days like this are what kept me going to lose myself in walking, dreaming, and knowing something better had to be coming to me.

During this time, I was unemployed. Jobs I was being offered wouldn't even cover daycare, let alone rent, food, bills and everything else. So I started my own business. MLMs may not be the best, but it kept a roof over our heads until the kids were old enough to stay home after school. I was very blessed to have this time with them.

Once the kids were old enough, I started jumping from job to job. Every 2 years was pretty common in the career path I was on. As far as I know it still is. When you are jumping from job to job like this, your insurance changes. Almost every time ,the Dr that I had finally gone to see, wasn't covered with the new insurance. So I had to start over. and over and over again. I gave up on my health. I gave up on me. I was living a life of desperation. From paycheck I would stress that there was never enough.

I can remember screaming into my pillow time after time. Crying in the shower so no one could hear me. Trying my best to look like I had it all together. Getting in trouble for making personal calls for my kids appointments. Being on hold longer than your breaks allow is not a great way to live. The depression I was in was so dark I couldn't see through any of it . And I was exhausted. Just thinking about it now makes me sick.

With a deep breath, I continue. This is when I tell myself, this was in the past. I don't know how you did it, but you are done with that journey. That journey is over and I choose to remember the good times. That doesn't mean I don't recognize the battles I endoured, it means I can look back and see that poor young girl struggling, and be proud of her. Because of her, I now have a life that I can truly say I love. That also does not mean that we have it all together. Not in the least. But, I know something is coming that will change everything. I can feel it. I am ready to embrace the next step in this journey.

Speaking of steps, the next story will be about the Manitou Incline.

Please comment or send comments, suggestions, and successes to InspirationAttackCo@gmail.com

I would love to hear your courage stories as well!


0 views0 comments