It has taken me a long time to start blogging. I've tried podcasting. I've tried youtube videos. I wrote and published a journaling guide. I am currently writing a book... I think. So far I have been frustrated, none of these avenues were feeling fun like people said it would be. It felt so much like work it was taking away from getting my message out. And I know I have a message to get out to the world. Let's see if you agree.
Now I am trying blogging. It has been two years since I last worked. Since the age of 18 I have been a very hard worker. I would go in early, stay late, do whatever was asked of me, no matter what. Through raising two amazing kids, still raising the wonderful third one, three marriages, two divorces, uncounted past relationships. Some with bruises, some I can say I am thankful to still be alive, some just not the right fit, Oil and water... no matter how much you shake it up, it just doesn't mix.
I've made a lot of choices in my life. Some I took responsibility for, some I blamed others for my misfortunes. Not all of my choices have been good. Though I can promise you this. Every choice I made, I made hoping my kids would look back and have some fun memories. My kids were raised in two different homes, very different homes, 50/50. From the very beginning they were set up to have anxiety. Nothing was stable between the two homes. As a mom, I of course feel like I completely failed them. I know better then that, they are both working so hard for a great future and I love seeing them figure things out. Things that took me 46 years to figure out, they already know. It will be interesting to see where their journey's take them.
I would love to say that I entered the menopausal part of my life with grace... The reality is I was a complete mess! I was jumping job to job, until my body said no more. I would go for walks during my lunch at my corporate job. I would work all day, come home, make dinner, deal with the family, collapse, and start all over the next day. Weekends consisted of running here or there. There always seemed to be something going on.
One day I started having so much pain in my body I couldn't function during the day. As an employee I was failing, as a wife I was failing, as a mother I was failing, and now as a human I was failing. I didn't know who I was anymore. After about my 5th or 6th visit to the ER in less than 6 months, I was officially scared. I clearly remember one hospital visit in particular. I was laying in bed desperately trying to figure out where I went wrong and how I could fix everything. I was laying on the ER bed, staring at the dots in the tiled ceiling, ready to give up. I closed my eyes with a tear falling down my cheek, and started imagining what I would say to my family if I were to die. I imagined myself pinned to a tree by a car. Each member of my family came up to me one at a time, and I went through what I thought I would say to each one.
I must have laid there for a good three hours, all on my own. I ugly silent cried, you know the kind, where you feel like everything in you being ripped out of your body through your mouth would be less painful than the cry I was experiencing at that very moment. It was a cry of pure desperation. One where I felt like the sadness would kill me there and then. Have you ever been that far into your fears? I feel like I have been that far down maybe 6 or 7 times in my life. Each time something major changed in my life path.
This was one of those times.
I started working with Dr's. This is something I had been unable to do when I was younger. All of my time off would be used up on Dr. appointments for the kids. There wasn't time left for me. Or so I thought. The reality is I didn't make time for me. I had not been my first priority in a very long time. For over 20 years I I had lived in fight or flight mode. Even longer if I am honest about it. This was the beginning of a life I never would have dared to imagine. That is not to say it has been a perfect life. That does not exist. But we will talk about that another time.
After discovering I had several health issues now from PTSD, Chronic Stress Disorder, All the way to Fibromialgia. I spent a lot of time in bed feeling sorry for myself. I swear I cried for a month straight! Then one day someone told to me to listen to the voice of my ego in a voice I couldn't stand. I thought about this for a long time. I knew there was one voice, that everytime I heard it on the TV was like nails across a chalkboard. This was the voice I would use. Now everytime I heard negative things from my ego, I heard that voice. I was able to say oh go stuff it you maggot. You know what happens when you start doing this? It frees you to see the good in your life and what you really you really want to do with your life.
There are so many things I wish I would have known before all of this happened, but the universe only knows perfect timing. Sidenote, I say universe, insert your belief here.
I will be sharing stories of my journey and how I found what it is I truly want to do in life, and how my journey is leading me to make my dreams come true. If you follow me, my hope is that you learn from me and your hopes and dreams start to come true as well.
Thank you so much for your time reading this. You are greatly appreciated.